Wandering Thoughts

I just want to be free. I want to forget it all. Be free from everything. Free from the negativity, free from the lies, free from him. I want to feel the wind under me, lifting me to that higher place. I want to fly. I want to be my own woman. I want to look around and smile and see bright happy faces. I want to laugh whole-heartedly. I want to meet the man that will complete me. I had an epiphany today while I was driving. The past few weeks have been horribly challenging for me and sometimes I wanted to throw in the towel and give up. Lord knows I would never and everyone that knows me, but I almost did. My boss has been around and talking to me and has said some things, that of which, some friends of mine (male) have said to me also lately and I think it just hit me hard finally today. (sometimes I am slow like that) My friends and boss have both said that I need to let someone love me. I dont give people (men)a chance. I automatically think they will fail before I give them a chance. Then it hit me, and my subconscious became conscious (thank heavens it didnt hurt when it hit). I havent had a serious relationship in 3+years. I left my ex fiance then and thought I had closed the door to that chapter of my life when I walked out. I swore I would never look back. That is was done and over with. And for a while I did learn to forget, which was great but the bitch of it is that I havent forgiven him. He emailed me out of the blue after years of noncommunication, then it came flooding back. Oh its locked up tight. The kicker was he was acting like an old friend, that he never did a thing wrong, it was almost comical. Almost. It ended up being a very horryifying experience for me. (our relationship) But I was glad that I was able to walk away. I guess I had taken the skeletons with me without realizing it. I had finally realized that I am not over the hurt and pain he brought into my life, that since him I havent been able to trust a man fully, and I HATE that. I hate the fact that he made me feel that way. NOONE makes me feel anything with out my permission and he did not have it. And now I am taking it out on myself (perhaps other men by not letting them get close to me) on what happened between us. I yell at myself for not being able to stop him or foresee his actions. I have become somewhat of a hard ass. I tend not to show emotion, not exactly sure why, I think that there is a time and place for it and I am always working or at school and thats not the time or place. I know that I need a strong man who will have the patience, gentle hand, love and understanding to realize who I am and that it takes time to break down my walls and climb inside. I know it is possible because I have dated several men and when things ended I felt sad..yes I do feel. I feel alot. I just tend not to show it to the world. (ok maybe you may disagree because of the blog but it helps) I do not why I am here. But I am.