"People are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into the wound to discover what your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin." -Tori Amos


He wont let her see him. He wasnt her to love him unconditionally but he wont let her in. She asks him over and over "show me your face?" Yet he is too scared. He wont show her. He hides behind the safety of his words and thinks that is enough, the words that captured her heart, the words that made her fall for the author regardless. She aches to love the man who wrote them , but he wont let her in. He asks her to submit to him the instant they meet, but he wont show her his true self. He speaks words of love, wisdom, honesty and need;but he cant follow his own words. She only asks to see inside before she submits, yet he can not. He loses her. She leaves. She is captured by another, one who will let her in, one who will let her see his true self. One who will reciprocate. One who submits himself in order for her to submit equally to him. If you want someone to submit to you, you must be willing to do the same. You need to be willing to give in order to get. It is 50-50. Someday he will see the light. She has found hers.

Addicted

"Addicted"

Have I told you how good it feels to be me,when I'm in you?

I can only stay cleanwhen you are around.

Don't let me fall.

If I close my eyes forever,would it ease the pain?

Could I breathe again?

Maybe I'm addicted,

I'm out of control,

but you're the drugthat keeps me from dying.

Maybe I'm a liar,but all I really know is

you're the only reason I'm trying.

I am wasted away,I made a million mistakes.

Am I too late?

There is a storm in my head;it rains on my bed

when you are not here.

I'm not afraid of dying,

but I am afraid of losing you.

Maybe I'm addicted,I'm out of control,

but you're the drug

that keeps me from dying.

Maybe I'm a liar,but all I really know is

you're the only reason I'm trying.

When you're lying next to me

love is going through to me.

Oh it's beautiful.Everything is clear to me

'till I hit reality

and I lose it all...I lose it all...I lose it all. I lose it all..

You're the only reason,

Yeah, you're the only reason I'm trying,

Oh, I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying,

Don't want to lose it all,Don't want to lose it all,

I'm trying, I'm trying..I'm trying ...

Yeah, you know I'm addicted,

You know I'm addicted,Yeah, you know I'm addicted....

enrique iglesias

"Addicted" By Enrique Iglesias

Be Yourself- Enrique Iglesias

"Be Yourself"

Well I am what I am could be what you are.

Is your pain when you smile cos you feel alone?

And are you strong enough to be yourself??

Papa used to say "You're just a loserand you're never gonna have what it takes"

Mama used to say "All that loud musice you play ain't gonna get you nowhere"

Ah you gottta be yourself.Ah you gotta be yourself.

If you cried, would you hide

Would you want all the world to know

And if you believe in love

Would you let it show

Are you in, are you hip, are you cool

Do you try too hard

Or are you strong enough to be yourself

Papa used to say "You're just a loser and you're never gonna have what it takes"

Mama used to say "All that loud musice you play ain't gonna get you nowhere"

Ah you gottta be yourself.

Ah you gotta be yourself

.If you can't, can't be yourself you're gonna lose it all.

If you can't,can't be yourself what are you living for?

You're gonna find someday you gotta run away.

You gotta run,run,run away

Enrique Iglesias- mi favorito todo músico de tiempo

Male Anatomy

Okay so I admit, I LOVE the male anatomy, I have not always felt that way and sometimes if I think too much or see a bad naked man pic it may change my mind. I use to think that penis's were the ugliest thing God could have made. But when a mushroom tattoo lands on you..lmao.. It's another story. j/k I have never had that happen,yet. I only read about it! So as time went on and I saw more, that were not so ugly, it slowly started changing my mind. The male body, when it looks like below or the one above, is something I could like and molest day in and day out. The sensuality of it, the sex appeal, the lust, the wet panties I am now wearing! It is all so erotic. I love men. I love torturing men. I love tying men up and being tied up. Oh shit did I say that out loud? dag I hate it when it slips. I love the cock. I love the feeling of my man's cock inside of me, of the pleasure it brings, feeling it deep inside my wet, tight, warm pussy. And how he tastes when he is in my mouth, how it slips into the back of my throat. How I can feel it throbbing and pulsing inside of my mouth or my pussy, the feel of its veins on my lips. How can one think its ugly when it feels soooo good?! I ask myself that all the time. If I could place an order right now I do not know which one I would choose. They are all so....fuckable.. I mean delicious. Just so tasty and yummy, mouth watering. I love eye candy.

My Cabana Boy....Carlos

Although he doesnt quite know it yet...

he will be mine when I goto Florida!

If I Knew..

If I knew this was waiting for me every time I went to the doc's office I would be a hypochondriac!!

they were both too yummy to pick only one.


Summer's Fling by Dee

I watched you as you worked that warm day. Your body glowing with a
sheen of sweat, as you moved boxes, by hand, from a skid in the
warehouse.
I knew there was no one else in the warehouse, because, I checked.
I watched the muscles move under your bronze skin as you worked. It
was already worth the trip over from the office, where I was
supposed to be working.
When you stopped to take a breather I said "You sure do have
nice….arms" Looking over you smiled and said" You're Summer,
right?" I nodded and said" and you're Jack". "Yeah", you said, as
you walked over to me. Then you look down at me and say "You look a
bit warm"... and as you stroked a finger down from my throat to the
opening of my blouse, stopping right between my breasts. I looked
down to see that my blouse was wetly clinging to my naked breasts.
I looked up into your eyes and as I stood there your finger moved to
touch my nipple then you pinched it with your thumb and index finger
and said "Why don't you take this blouse off" as quiet and matter of
fact as you please. Without a word, I unbuttoned that blouse and
took it off. You took it from me and set it aside. You lowered
your head and kissed me and my hands reached and grabbed the bottom
of your muscle shirt and worked it up your body where you took over
and pulled it over your head. My hands were running over your chest
and shoulders, greedily kneading your flesh. Your hands were
kneading and massaging my breasts. Breaking the kiss you bent to my
breast and sucked it hard into your mouth. I gasped and held on.
Your hands were sliding down my sides to my hips and down to my
thighs to roughly squeeze both cheeks of my ass right up under my
skirt. I ran a hand right down your belly and down over your fly to
feel the hardness of your erection through your jeans. My other
hand was unsnapping and unzipping, greedily wanting to touch you.
You pull my skirt up around my waist and rip my thong off of me. My
hands find you aren't wearing underwear and your cock is released so
easily. I wrap my fingers around him and stroke with tight long
strokes. You reach under me and find me wet, dipping your fingers
deep into my pussy. I groan and lift my right knee to over your
hip. Your fingers thrust deep into me in long but strong strokes.
I bring your cock to my entrance and in one thrust you are deep
inside me. Then pulling back, you thrust deep again. It was so
hot, so erotic…. Your slip a hand between us and find my clit with
your thumb and you rubbed it so nice that I began to thrust my hips
upward in a desperate need. Suddenly I cry out as I cum, but you
continue to fuck me and rub my clit, and I seem to cum for a long
time. With my body shaking I could barely stand, so you grab my
other leg and lift both legs around your hips. You carry me to a
stack of boxed and set my ass on the edge, still filling me with
your cock…. Laying me back, you look down and……

The Real Meaning Behind the song "Save A Horse Ride a Cowboy"

Now I lay me down to sleep.....my ass!!

How I See Me

how i see me, how i see myself ~ alive, free, yet protected. cautious yet lovable. seduction and sassyness. eyes that can tell a million feelings, sex appeal that can turn a soft man hard. the intimidating confidence, yet deep inside lacking. full of love and passion, wanting an outlet to reveal it all. open minded to all new things, willing to submit to the one true man. aura of goodness, kindness neverending. understanding and caring, locked inside. a crack in the wall, waiting for Him to find, knowing when He does, He is the one for me. knowing there is a soulmate for every one. believing He will come to me. heart beating vivaciously, skin tingling in anticipation. Knowing one day it will be a priviledge to bear Him His son. one of my favorite artists inspires me deeply, so creative and talented, seeing it deep to the core. my eyes hide nothing, my soul is there to see, looking into my eyes, there is nothing for me to hide. i am open and willing, will you give yourself to me? trusting and loyal I will always be, never would I stray, that could never be. My heart is for one man, whom ever God wishes it to be, hoping one day soon we will meet. I will know when I look into your eyes. Right then and there I will fall upon my knees. You will raise me up and say "come with me" together we will walk together for eternity. I love you for you are a part of me. I dont know who you are, but I know we were meant to be. I see myself happily in love. I see myself as I want my life to be. I will have what I want. I will be happy and in love with a family for eternity.


pic is "The Angel of Nekyia"A. Gonzalez

The Four Letter Word

Unio Mystica~A. Gonzalez
Love~ that is the four letter word..Not the other one.. sick-o's. I have, of late, been hearing the l-word. I think people have once again abused the word, overused it and it has lost its meaning. And ladies, just because a man tells you he loves you and that you should have sex with him.. well, perhaps you should think a little harder..lol (it has happened to me, of course I laughed hard at him) I do not like it when the l-word is abused. For me it has a great and powerful meaning to it. It is the center of all life. Without it we wilt and die and I have truly become to believe it. It saddens me to know and feel that love is taken for granted and that people say things they dont mean or feel. Playing with someone's emotions is the most tragic thing a person can do. I think another awful thing is when men expect more than what they will give. Or when men hide behind a mask. Its funny how they act all interested, when in fact they just want entertainment or to use you. I know this is not all men (sorry to the nice ones that are left) I do know you are there and that you exist but your imposters are out of control. There seems to be a plethora of them. I love being in love. I love feeling that warmth and security. I love knowing that I am loved and wanted and that when my phone rings and my heart skips a beat, that his voice will be there. I love the comfort of a man's arms around me. I love my skin on his. I love the strolls on the beach, the long sunday drives, the trolloping in the fields. I love the erotica of exploring each others bodies. Limbs entwined. I love showers together. Being in love makes me feel so alive, free, renewed; more than what I already am. I like submitting myself to him and giving him all of me, all that I have to give, knowing I will get the same in return. Love must be 50-50 or it will not work. It must be shared equally, balanced. "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get-only with what you are expecting to give-which is everything." K.Hepburn. "Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind; and therefore is wing'd cupid painted blind" Shakespeare. Those are two touching quotes I read over and over. Please just remember one thing, dont pretend that you love someone, dont say the words if it is not how you feel. It is wrong and misleading. Dont lie.

Wandering Thoughts

I just want to be free. I want to forget it all. Be free from everything. Free from the negativity, free from the lies, free from him. I want to feel the wind under me, lifting me to that higher place. I want to fly. I want to be my own woman. I want to look around and smile and see bright happy faces. I want to laugh whole-heartedly. I want to meet the man that will complete me. I had an epiphany today while I was driving. The past few weeks have been horribly challenging for me and sometimes I wanted to throw in the towel and give up. Lord knows I would never and everyone that knows me, but I almost did. My boss has been around and talking to me and has said some things, that of which, some friends of mine (male) have said to me also lately and I think it just hit me hard finally today. (sometimes I am slow like that) My friends and boss have both said that I need to let someone love me. I dont give people (men)a chance. I automatically think they will fail before I give them a chance. Then it hit me, and my subconscious became conscious (thank heavens it didnt hurt when it hit). I havent had a serious relationship in 3+years. I left my ex fiance then and thought I had closed the door to that chapter of my life when I walked out. I swore I would never look back. That is was done and over with. And for a while I did learn to forget, which was great but the bitch of it is that I havent forgiven him. He emailed me out of the blue after years of noncommunication, then it came flooding back. Oh its locked up tight. The kicker was he was acting like an old friend, that he never did a thing wrong, it was almost comical. Almost. It ended up being a very horryifying experience for me. (our relationship) But I was glad that I was able to walk away. I guess I had taken the skeletons with me without realizing it. I had finally realized that I am not over the hurt and pain he brought into my life, that since him I havent been able to trust a man fully, and I HATE that. I hate the fact that he made me feel that way. NOONE makes me feel anything with out my permission and he did not have it. And now I am taking it out on myself (perhaps other men by not letting them get close to me) on what happened between us. I yell at myself for not being able to stop him or foresee his actions. I have become somewhat of a hard ass. I tend not to show emotion, not exactly sure why, I think that there is a time and place for it and I am always working or at school and thats not the time or place. I know that I need a strong man who will have the patience, gentle hand, love and understanding to realize who I am and that it takes time to break down my walls and climb inside. I know it is possible because I have dated several men and when things ended I felt sad..yes I do feel. I feel alot. I just tend not to show it to the world. (ok maybe you may disagree because of the blog but it helps) I do not why I am here. But I am.

Don't Be Fooled By Me

Don’t Be Fooled By Me
by Charles C. Finn, As read by Roscoe on WBAI, April 1967

Please don't be fooled by me. Don't be fooled by the face I wear, for I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks, masks that I'm afraid to take off and none of them are me. Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don't be fooled, for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression I'm secure and that all is sunny and unruffled with me, within as well as without, that confidence is my name, coolness my game, that water is calm and I'm in command and that I need no one, but don't believe me, please don't believe me.
My surface may be smooth, but my surface is a mask--my every varying and ever concealing mask. Beneath it dwells the real confusion, fear and aloneness. Beneath lies my smugness, my complacently, but I hide this--I don't want anyone to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That's why I frantically created a mask to hide behind-- nonchalant sophisticated facades to help me pretend-- to shield me from the glance that knows-- but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only salvation and I know it. That is if it's followed by acceptance. If it's followed by love, it's the only thing that can liberate me from myself, from my own self built prison walls and from the barriers that I so painstakingly erect. It's the only thing that will assure me of what I cannot assure myself, that I'm really worth while, but I don't tell you this, I don't dare--I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid that your glance will not be followed by acceptance and love. I'm afraid you'll think less of me and you'll laugh and your laugh will kill me. I'm afraid that deep down, I'm nothing and that I'm just no good and that you'll see this and reject me.
So I play my game; my desperate pretending; with the facade of assurance without and a trembling child within. And so begins the parade of masks, the glittering, but empty parade of masks and my life becomes a front. I idle chatter to you in suave tones of surface talk. I tell you everything that's really nothing and nothing of what's everything and what's crying within me.
So when I'm through going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I'm saying. Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying--what I'd like to be able to say, but for survival I need to say, but what I can't say.
I dislike hiding, honestly, I dislike the superficial game I'm playing, the superficial phony game. I'd really like to be genuine, spontaneous and me, but you've got to help me, you've got to hold out your hand, even when it's the last thing I seem to want or need.
You can help wipe away from my eyes--the blank stare of grieving dead. You can help call me into aliveness each time you're kind, gentle and encouraging. Each time you try to understand because you really care, my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.
Iif you choose to, please choose to. You can help break down the wall behind which I tremble. You can encourage me to remove my mask. You can help release me from my shadowed world of panic and uncertainty. From my lonely prison.
So do not pass me by-- please don't pass me by. It will not be easy for you. A lone conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what books say about man, I am irrational, I fight against the very things that I cry out for, but I am told love is stronger than strong walls. In this lies my hope, my only hope, please help beat down those walls with firm hands, but with gentle hands--for a child is very sensitive.
Who am I, you may wonder? I am someone you know very well. For I am every man you meet and I am every women you meet.

Looking Away

tears fall down my cheek

as i say goodbye to an

innocent childhood that was

stolen from me without choice

pain still lurks in my heart

my soul is black with anger

will i ever be rescued from

my life-is there any escape

i live day by day wondering

what kind of person i would be

if i had a choice to change

i look for love to take away

the hurt that i am overcome with

i look for the attention to feel

the acceptance and wanting

to feel worth living and loved

to look for a way out

but the doors are locked

copyright 1995 lac

Don't Judge Me

don't judge me by my appearance
you didn't live my life
just look at me and accept what you see
if you can't do that then fuck off
try walking in my shoes
feel what i feel
live what i live
see the way i see
look where i am
then come back and tell me what you think
tell me about the pain
tell me about the anger
tell me about the depression
tell me all that you feel
you see then agree with me
i am not as what you see
i'm hurting & hide it
i'm in pain & cover it up
instead of pushing me away
lend out a helping hand
then try & judge me

copyright 1995 lac